July 2014 Print

 

by Michael J. Rayes

Imagine for a moment an eager farmer’s son. He is excited and anxious to take over a field of his own. Ignoring his father’s advice, the son immediately sows seeds in the field without taking time to properly cultivate the soil. Now imagine the outcome.

Many couples presenting themselves as candidates for matrimony wonder why they should be confirmed before getting married. Matrimony without confirmation is like a field without cultivation: proper preparation has not been done.

Preparation for Marriage

A proper preparation for the sacrament of holy matrimony takes longer than simply a few months of pastoral meetings before the wedding. Preparation, rather, begins in earnest at the sacrament of confirmation. Ideally, confirmation would have already taken place several years previous to marriage. The Catechism of the Council of Trent puts the appropriate time for confirmation after the age of reason, but no later than 12 years old.

The time span between confirmation and matrimony gives the Catholic soul plenty of years to practice virtue and use the gifts of the Holy Ghost received at confirmation. These virtues and gifts should gradually manifest themselves in the young soul, their actual practice being honed as the confirmed—now a solider of Christ—grows into adolescence and young adulthood. There will be plenty of opportunities for interaction with others as well as the ongoing battle with mastery of self.

One of the effects of confirmation is the imposition of specific gifts from the Holy Ghost. St. Thomas Aquinas teaches in the Summa Theologica (II-II, on virtues) that these seven gifts have corresponding virtues which are perfected by the gifts. This gift/virtue relationship is summarized as follows:

Using the Gifts

One example of a gift of the Holy Ghost perfecting a virtue is when a young adult uses prudence to hold his tongue. This virtue is animated by the gift of counsel. Other times, holding one’s tongue is not necessary as the listener may consider what is said, or actually seeks the advice of the young adult. In those situations the gift of counsel helps him know what to say. Later in married life, the husband will certainly use both counsel and prudence in conversations with his wife. This is evidence of a dynamic relationship between the sacraments of confirmation and matrimony. The gifts of one affect the graces of the other.

Another example is the adolescent’s attending Mass every Sunday and developing his or her own prayer life, growing into a young man or woman. Perhaps without even realizing it, the Catholic, now a young adult, intuitively knows that it is against justice to knowingly keep extra money accidently received from a hurried cashier. The young adult would feel the sting of conscience when tempted to take advantage of large sums of cash or goods entrusted to him. The practice of piety while developing into an adult also develops the virtue of justice.

Later, when the confirmed Catholic is married and consistently offers God the piety that is due to Him in justice, the Catholic is also better able to reconcile differences in the marriage relationship. Rather than stubbornly refusing to apologize or to communicate after a disagreement, the Catholic animated by the gift of piety will recognize that his marriage is no longer functioning as it should. Something is wrong, the soul realizes, and in all justice, it must be corrected.

Reasons for Seeking Marriage

Once the confirmed Catholic reaches young adulthood, a certain ambivalence may develop regarding the sacrament of holy matrimony. This may stem from a fear of lifelong commitment to the “wrong” person, or perhaps a recoiling from the multitudinous bad examples of married life. As Abbot Guéranger lamented more than a century ago, “Never was there such lack of energy as now; never was the worldly spirit more rife.”

I refer here to Catholics who prolong their single life well into their late 20s and 30s without a strong impulse to move toward matrimony, holy orders, or the religious life. Perhaps what is needed is the confidence born of knowing that the Holy Ghost will give the grace needed to fulfill a state in life. The gift of fortitude can make the difference between a soul who does not move toward the sacrament and one who, trusting in God and the intervention of the saints, goes around obstacles to receive the grace of holy orders or matrimony.

Consider matrimony and the reasons for seeking it. The Catechism of the Council of Trent, known as the “Roman Catechism,” teaches that marriage is a sacrament because it is a sacred union, with the souls generated from the union brought up to serve and worship Christ. No other relationship binds two people so closely. The Roman Catechism’s section on matrimony shows that sacred Scripture uses marriage when explaining the relationship of Christ to the Church. It is a relationship of complete giving born of love.

The Roman Catechism lists the specific reasons for seeking matrimony as, first, companionship and mutual aid throughout life; second, to create a family of souls for heaven; third, to alleviate amorous passion. The Roman Catechism adds natural ends as well, “such as the desire of leaving an heir, wealth, beauty, illustrious descent, congeniality of disposition—such motives, because not inconsistent with the holiness of marriage, are not to be condemned.”

In other words, it is perfectly legitimate to marry a young woman because she is sweet and pretty, and it is perfectly acceptable to marry a man because he has money. These should not be the predominant reasons and certainly not the only reasons, but they are valid.

The spouses will quickly realize that married life becomes mostly about companionship regardless of the initial reasons that attracted the partners to each other. Thus, their values should have already been in harmony before the wedding.

This companionship and the seemingly constant practice of patience and adjustment of one’s expectations is where the effects of confirmation can be seen. It takes perseverance and humility to maintain a vulnerable, loving relationship. These virtues come from the practice of temperance, which is perfected by Fear of the Lord.

Confirmation makes marriage easier to endure and indeed helps to generate both spiritual and natural consolations in the marital relationship. One sacrament builds upon the grace of another. Thus, those devout, traditional Catholics who may have some reticence toward the sacrament of matrimony are probably already very well prepared for it. They are perhaps especially prepared for the sacramentality of a lifelong marriage, as this hinges on the spiritual love of two souls.

Spiritual Love in Marriage

There are different levels of love, which were learned from the ancient Greeks and are still taught today. There are already plenty of secular articles about physical love, affectionate love, and relationship concerns. But it is spiritual love in a sacramental marriage that gets the spouses to heaven. Our Lord refers to spiritual love often in sacred Scripture. It is love of God and love of His creatures as His children. The Lord calls these the two greatest commandments (Mark 12: 28-34). Spiritual love is an act of the will, choosing to desire the genuine good for another.

Dr. Alice von Hildebrand pointed out in an article comparing natural and supernatural love that St. Francis of Assisi and St. Clare had a spiritual love for each other. St. John of the Cross and St. Teresa of Avila had a similar love (“Eros and Agape,” Homiletic and Pastoral Review, May 2005).

St. Therese of Lisieux relates in her Story of a Soul her realization that she grew fond of another nun as a friend. The saint saw this natural friend­ship as a barrier to the saint’s spiritual love for her colleague. St. Therese thus spent less time with the nun but more time praying for her.

In marriage, this is not an option. You’ll need to do both: spend time together and pray for each other. But it brings to mind a good point. You can pray for your spouse anytime, anywhere. I have two school-age daughters, one of whom is adamant that she will become a nun, and the other is already pining for family life. I told her that she could begin praying for her future husband now, although she hasn’t entered high school yet. She never thought of that. She has already learned how to sew, hold babies, and do a myriad of domestic duties, which she knows is natural training for matrimony and family life. She is also undergoing supernatural training for that state of life, or toward whichever direction she allows God to lead her.

Marital Harmony

Catholic matrimony is a sacrament which should build upon the effects of other sacraments, particularly confirmation. It is a lifelong expression of our Lord’s exhortation to have spiritual love of neighbor. This sublime reality is certainly not, however, the only legitimate way to love one’s spouse. There can and probably should be plenty of romance in courtship and Catholic marriage, but it must be considered together with the virtuous characteristics of humility, kindness, and patience to make a harmonious marriage between two real people. As G. K. Chesterton wrote in What’s Wrong with the World, “I have known many happy marriages, but never a compatible one.” Catholic matrimony may thus be a happy state of affairs, as two companions spend their lives together utilizing the gifts of the Holy Ghost to help get each other to heaven.